Another Christmas away from a home i know not..!!

U no there r these times wen ya feel, so down, so down that u feel ur losing ur grip on everything, but the comforting thought that u never hjad a grip on anything in the first place dawns, and m smiling again, but it hurts to know your cold, your hurt, and your lonely in this world
Sucking on a cigarette, lying on the lawns near a river, letting the cool breeze soothe my hot tears, I see up at the sky open, vulnerable, and almost an insignificant, forgettable speck, lonely is the word…
I sit n I’m alone inside my heart, its homely enough for me, pondering, sad, pensive…and wet moist eyes;
Sometimes I cry, I rarely no y, I cry n I cry and I cry, for that is the only thing to do,
I see up the sky, feeling someone up there beyond the clouds wud see me, know me, and let me be free as a wind,
Im being contained and chopped into smaller n smaller pieces, I ve now lesser time for freedom for myself than wen I was a kid, or wait, I never had it, I never had it so I d never no it, sex is an antidote against pain n loneliness, so im drawn towards it invariably,
The icy loneliness drives me towards warmth, and yet I get ignored by this warmth, this heat, I get pierced in the heart by it;
I am confused, silent, and its chaos running amok inside my head, losing my energy, over jus feeling n thinking at the same time, I hate everybody else in my life…
I don like my luck, im pointing fingers..At whom..??
Its X Mas,
I’m child again….
Running among thistles, believing in Santa; hoping for snow to come, and a window thru which to see the flakes twirling down to kiss the earth.
My home, I have a home far away, where, nobody knows, there I have a mom –myself, my pop-myself, and a child-myself to be together for Xmas , to huddle up close by the fire, while the snow curls twirl downwards to the tunes of the midnight Christmas carols, the pet cat n dog r also lil bits of me, the wall brown n yellow in the golden light of the fire, and Santa’s sledge can be heard far away, a moment, only a moment, of not this life, which life I know not, but a moment all the same… .