being blown away in the wind...

s 10 30 at nite, i walk on the empty streets, under the halogen lamps, lonely, cold even in the simmering heat..worried, depressed, but gleeful inside....
weird eh...not so...not wen u know evertything about u is a great paradox...and as mysterious as the grand canyon.
im simple with great troubles caused from big things and small...im not even sure who i am
woke up in bed today witha start wonderin who i was or somethin..i am not me....i am not ur funny guy, always with a laugh, with a quirky things to say or something, maybe i am a lil bit of that guy
there is something primitive stirring inside me wen im in bed, when i relax, i can feel those mysterious lurkings in the depths of the darks, s a sad sorrow, when everybody knows only for wat u show them cos if u showed wat u really were, ud be in jail...
u cant even share urself with the world cos u don even no how insane u can get, u get lafed on by ppl who don no u, wat hurts more is wen ppl u hope wud no u act dumb, or seriosuly in their defense do not know u
i ben hurt a million times with my ex wen i thot wen she shuda understood me she was so far on the opposite side, so far being the operative word, wen u come under that kind of trouble, u miss someone to really no u, come to ur defense, to hold u, wrap u up from the cold and loneliness, and take u awy in their arms...
the hurtful part is ppl who don have the slightest idea who i am adore me, and ppl who i wud rather share myself with have a very gruesome idea of who i am
i am not saying tbhey r far away from the truth but i really need somebody to understand me, understand that they r dealin with a tortured soul with absolute ignorance of who he himself is...

insecure - i have a word for it...
totally insecure...hmmm
no one person to msg or actually can be myself with in all of the world, and i don need a person, a place , or some sort of , any sort of i guess, element would do,

not a person who would care for me or anything in this whole wide world, jus freezing lonely is wat i would call it, i like it this way too..cos if somebody knew me they d take advantage of me

when one finds paradise he gives alkl away to be there and suddenly when all u have is given in exchange, paradise disappears and in the bargain ur consumed by deceit.....

i don even no who or wat i am waiting for in this world some ppl come make me feel magical wen im with them and pass away...i saty rooted in loneliness...
wat can i say wen i all i see is a darkness wen i luk inside of myself...and the light i show outside is the light i wish i had to light up inside of me but wud nt cos i was too bored to do it.....

only i understand this blog, this exercise in futility for anyone else, is as always a waste of time,
i have no one to msg, no one to talk to, no one to wait for, no one to hold onto to make warm, i am lonely as cold cucumber in the ass of siberia - poetically speaking....

pain is the mother of humor..... :-(....